la mayhème

It's Wednesday night. The farmer's market at the end of the street moved in, and moved back out…the library stayed open late…people are putting out their trash cans…everything is normal…except…

Where is the mayhem?

After our triumphant performance on Saturday, we are done for the year. So here I am on a Wednesday night, all by myself…

OK, not completely.

In fact, I was back at the school again, immersed in mayhem, this time of the French kind. We were putting together a string quartet.

"@!* what a bastard!"
"Who?"
"Ravel of course!"

Ah yes. The eternal struggle between composer and performer… but he is dead, and we are on stage, so I guess you could say we have the upper hand in this one. Tomorrow night. 7 pm. We hope to stir you, inspire you, move you…

We'd love to have you. Clap on any beat you want.

we have lift-off!

Friends, I have been living in a delusion. I thought I wrote this every week in a vacuum, in a sort of blissfully alternate, satellite blogoverse, and no one ever read it, so I could say and write and draw anything I wanted and no one would be the wiser…NOT SO!

Friends, I HAVE A READER!

Our Choreographer strode into class this evening, kicked off her flip-flops, and announced that she was ready to re-teach us the dance.

"Because clearly you forgot all of it."
"!"
"?"
"We did not!"

"Yes you did! I know you did! I read your blog!"

Well! If I had known that what I wrote here was going to be read and believed, then I would have written about something I actually know something about. Climbing trees. Navigating European cities. Cooking little pellets of biscuits out of nothing but flour, water, sugar, salt, baking powder and maybe a little cream (by the way, I was almost late to class because I'd bought cookies from this bakery at the farmers' market and I HAD to stop by on my way to tell the woman who sold them to me that they were some of the best I'd had in my life…)

Of course, I jest. All that I say here is true, true, did happen, though it may be exaggerated a bit. But that is my wont.

We began class with a little giggle because one of us had invited this charming creature to join us. Actually, it was more of a scream of laughter, and we had the distinct feeling that he was making fun of us when he imitated all of us laughing. Did we really sound like that?

"Say something."
"Hi."
"HI?? That's the most boring thing you could say!"
"OK, fine, hallo, du möchtest, ich sage der Katze etwas?"
To my surprise, the little cat repeated this perfectly.

"It speaks German?"
"It's not an it, it's a HE!"
"Do you think we could get it to speak Czech?"

*******

Performance time is finally upon us. We grace the stage this weekend. And after that -

What will I do with this space? With what topics will I fill this now weekly column? Interviews with the geese that overrun the school (and sully the parking lot - ew, ew) every July? Cooking tips? Suggestions are welcome, though there's no guarantee they will be regarded.

So long for now, y'all. It's been real.

hard times

Performance time approaches, and this rabble was in sore need of rousing. But it was an uphill battle much of the time. Some of us, including yours truly, were just plain late. All of us had to go to the bathroom at some time or other (but never the same time). All of us had to get drinks of water, etc etc…and one of us got caught in a rainstorm on the way over and had to duck under cover and wait for it to pass (he may or may not have heard a faith-shaking story about the extremes of humanity during this time). All in all, we had many needs, and they all had to be met, and at different times.

This made getting things together a difficult task. To make it even more difficult, our Choreographer was not there. The reluctant sous-Choreographer had to step in.

"I think you were over there, and then I was lying here, and she was dead, but she's not here so we have to pretend…"
"Did you have a horn?"
"Yeah, I had a horn, I think we all had horns..."
"Well he's Gabriel so he's got to have a horn."
"I want one of those toy horns, you know, one of those toy horns…"

"And then we defrost her with a huge hairdryer. I'll bring the hairdryer. I mean, I don't have one, but I'll make one…"

We'd thought about defrosting our nuns using some paper flames I made for another performance, but, as someone pointed out, we just wanted to defrost them, not actually cook them. After all, we didn't want Filet Mig-nun. Ba-dum-ching!

That was officially the best joke of our whole time, so far. And not, I admit, mine!

Anyway, I did my best rehearsing our dance but I think if our Choreographer does not return we will have to bring in the big guns. I suggest inviting this Guest Star.

In the meantime, I'd like to give a shout-out to Dan Goggin, wherever you are. You have a truly unique, awe-inspiring way with words. Who else could write the line "we must comply or face a fine" and have it crack me up every time?

I'd also like to give a quick salute to this ice cream - this may seem SLIGHTLY off-topic but it is what's in my freezer, after all, and I'd like you all to run out and buy it (but only when it's on sale!) because the last time I fell in love with an ice cream flavor it was all of a sudden discontinued at Wegmans and even though your correspondent visited several different stores trying to find it and then finally wrote a comment card and got a highly unsympathetic call from a heart-of-stone customer service agent who said, basically, "No one else liked it," she cannot believe that no one else liked it, they must have just forgotten to buy it for a few months and then Wegmans got the silly idea to take it off the shelves. So you see, you must not let this happen again! And with this admonishment, EAT MORE ICE CREAM, I leave you, dear friends.

bottoms up!

Anyone within a 5-mile radius knew what we were doing tonight. Birds fled the trees. Chipmunks found their holes. Children begged to sleep with their parents. Because we were CHOREOGRAPHING!

Look out, kids! Look out, world! Look out, cello sitting at the side of the room. This woman is choreographing and ain't nothin gonna stop her. Ain't no old rug corner gonna trip her. She's going to act, and sing, and do the splits, and teach us the jazz square, and be a dead nun, and a live nun, and anything you need...Oh yes, today was the Debut of a Brand-New Choreographing Sensation! Write it down, people. You'll want to remember.

It was also the debut of yours truly as sous-Choreographer. A role I really just fell into, and didn't really deserve, since I was constantly misbehaving and talking and not paying attention. But we will try harder in the future  :)

Now we did have one audience member, one brave bit of wildlife that stuck around for the show, and he very generously allowed his image to be used here:

There was some opposition to his presence, and he was lovingly and carefully relocated, but it has to be said, so it might as well be said here, that we have probably had less attentive audiences.

All that remains is for me to let you know that today's blog post was brought to you by the letter B: for balloon, banshee, and The Girl with the Broken Bum. Look for it soon in bookstores everywhere. 

die speisen werde ich nicht verschmähen

Ok, guys, where are you? Shadowing Idina Menzel? Fording the rivers of Pennsylvania? Or did you see my new nail polish color, notice you weren't wearing that color, and decide to turn back because everybody else was, and we would clash? Don't worry! Everything goes with purple!

We were a lean, mean trio again this week. Which means that we got through a lot of stuff.

Trio from The Magic Flute? Yeah!
"Story of my Life" from Shrek? Yeah!
"A Heart Full of Love"? You bet!
"A Little Fall of Rain"? Can't hurt me now!
"First Time in Forever"? …oh wait. Here comes Marius, back from the bathroom.

We took turns being Eponine again. Everybody likes Eponine. She gets to be noble. She gets to sing really cool low notes, and she gets to die a beautiful, self-sacrificing death. She also gets the best vocal warm-ups.

We got a chance to delve into the nitty-gritty details of German pronunciation.
"It's i - E! and e - I!"
"Oh! so it's 'dye spyzen'"
"No, no, 'deeeee shpyzen', and you have to shove an h in there too after the s…"
This is not the first time this confusion has arisen.

And there was even time for some real, true, honest-to-goodness philosophizing.
"I was learning life lessons!"
"From whom?"
"From what else? Life!"
"Life is the worst teacher. It gives you the test before it teaches you how to do it!"
"Yeah. And you never know what you did wrong."

Well here's to you, Life. You may not have the pedagogy all down, but you sure have some fascinating, mind-blowing, beautiful, tragic, huge things to teach. Even if I did topple off a wall, even if they did break my wand, banish me from the kingdom….. count me in.

thoughts...everywhere...

I am happy to say that our numbers swelled back up this week.

And so, correspondingly, did the ruckus. 

The result of which is that your correspondent, sitting on her couch, eating raw broccoli and pistachios - as one does - is having difficulty condensing two thrilling, fun-filled, event-packed hours into one small and modest post. 

One of our number expressed it best I think when, after pausing briefly to catch breath, she managed: "Sorry…thoughts…everywhere…" Shortly after which she fell off her chair. So you see what I mean. 

There was our ethereal soundscape of a scale (some have likened it to the sound of a choir of drunken monks). 5 independent voices, utterly untethered by the confines of tonality, forging utterly new paths. "Do"? Where we're going, we don't need "do"…

There was a brief discussion on whether or not it would be cool to be able to sing 2 notes at a time. 

"It would be cool!"

"No. Not cool. That's a disease. I never want to get it."

"But it would be cool!"

"Once after I was sick I had it for 2 weeks. It was not cool."

"Did you get it from singing Wagner?"

"No, it wasn't Wagner, it was a virus, and it was NOT COOL!"

"…I still think it would be cool…"

There was the general consensus that pigs do belong in condos 

(that is, if they are going to live in houses at all) and that if they are going to have German accents, they should start with them, and not adopt them mid-song. I mean, vat ees up vis zat? 

It's just not very Gesamtkunstwerk. 

Vishing you a very heppy Wagner's birsday, and a lovely week, until next time!

olympia